~ Silver lOst in Paradise ~

Friday, November 6, 2009 Y

最近，我有故态复萌了。

我喜欢一份工作时，做起事来格外勤奋，也十分有效率。

担当我对一份工作不满，或做得不愉快，却又不能轻易离职的时候，我就会刻意做出一些会令雇主反感的举动，例如，早退，上班聊电话，不做事等，让他们把我给炒了。

我就是如此偏激。

可是说也奇怪，这样做竟然不会被发现！反而我潜意识的举动让雇主给发现了。譬如，做事情邋东忘西，粗心大意，迷迷糊糊，心不在焉，一张浩向游人欠我钱的脸。。

我非常钟爱或不喜欢我的工作的时候，那个差异是天壤之别的！

不久前就开始坏我是否适合在教育行业里。或许是我的心态软，但又可不是。可能是我的自卑心在作祟。

嗳，还是尽快找份工作吧！

Friday, November 06, 2009 -
hearts

Wednesday, April 8, 2009 Y

I hope i won't pose too much of a trouble to people. Or rather, i hope i won't appear to be a bother to others. That would be the last thing i want to be.

Yesterday, Just like any other normal day, a thought strike me like a lightning. It's like, i'm being slapped hard across my face and yes, I've found the MOTIVATION to study hard for the finals.

Well, it's not that i haven been studying, it's just that i haven been studying HARD enough.

I thank god for letting me find this motivation, although it comes a bit too late. Nevertheless, I am going to study doubly hard to compensate for the wasted time.

Just imagining the scene pumps up my adrenaline and makes me high!

I blame all the movies and novels. Because of them, it make people, particularly me, to want to find our Mr. Right and used these characters as the benchmark, when in reality these men don't exit at all. Sad, huh? That's why I am so pathetic now, being tormented by my own expectations, criterias etc of men...

There had been some unhappiness among us, and although she said these helped to strengthen our friendship, i feel that these unhappiness are unnecessary. I just hope that people (of cos including me) can be more sensitive to each others' feelings and more thoughtful about others.

Ok, i am "officially" condemned by him. I did not do this on purpose, i thought i should be honest about my feelings. I do not want others' satisfaction, lust, yearn to be build on top of my uneasiness. Feeling guilty is of cos unevitable but come to think of it, it might turn out to be a blessing in disguise. At least i can concentrate on my exams now.

I am pretty much over the moon rexcently because rubin actually replied to my mails! It doesn't mean anything, but at least there are some communication. Woohoo!!!

Although i admire rubin very much, i only wish to remain status quo. I do not want history to repeat. I do not want a dream to turn into a nightmare again, just like what happened. I like rubin as he is, in my impression. :)

Spore is really a small country. Everybody is somehow connected to each other. If you still remember the expressway road accident that happened last week, the guy who was injured was actually a primary schoolmate of jeannette! My reaction was like "OMG, OMG is it true?!" when Jean told me.

When i heard the news last week, i was shocked and I sympathized him. It left an impression on me because the guy, out of kindness, wanted to cross the expressway to check if anyone was injured in the bus accident, nobody was hurt there but he himself was knocked down by another vehicle...

Okok, the point i want to make is that, at first, i am totally unrelated to this fellow, now because he is one of Jean's schoolmate, it's like we are somehow linked.

Even more recently, i found out that Roy (someone i know from dance) and cynwell are actually polymates!!

And then Jeremy's dad actually supplied noodles for my aunt when she was doing her noodle business.

There are so much coincidences! Spore is really small.

Years back, i caught the "J" bug. Now it seems like i've gotten the "R" curse.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 -
hearts

Thursday, April 2, 2009 Y

说我不生气是假的，我只是更气我自己。

都怪我自己多事，自作聪明。

我已经受够了等，我不想再做那个笨的角色了，下次换我被人等吧。

好烦哦！心情超级无敌地郁闷，又 short fused.

或许是考试压力再加上最近事情排山倒海而来，让我胡思乱想，心烦气躁，快喘不过气了！

心理医生忙，又没有真正可以聊心事的对象... ...

Thursday, April 02, 2009 -
hearts

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 Y

i don't know what to blog! Ok i will just talk about anything.

我寻寻觅觅许久的心理医生原来远在天边近在眼前喔！

因为我有严重的心理病-严重缺乏自信心和low self esteem.

可是我发现每当我向她倾诉我的问题后，我都有一种豁然开朗，一言惊醒梦中人的感觉！

她的意见，劝告和对人事物的分析解剖和其他朋友的不同，可能是因为身份不一样和早熟的缘故，她的见解总是客观，建设性的。可以安抚我的心。

SInce beibei and wenya blogged about love and relationships, i shall do the same too.

贝贝说真正喜欢一个人就不会在意他的缺点。所谓年龄不是问题身高不是距离。爱情不分种种。

但是我却不以为然。

没错，面对爱情我是非常理智的。我绝对不可能为了爱而爱。（但是可能为了结婚而结婚！）

爱是有期限的。谁能保证长期下来那段感情还存有爱？而不是习惯或理所当然？

是我太完美主义了吗？

每当我和男生出门时，他们的缺点总被我发现然后我就会受不了。在心理作了记号后，回家就和朋友大谈阔论。可是朋友对那些我所谓的“缺点”感到没什么大不了，是可以被接受的。

所以问题在于我？

可能吧！电视不是常做吗，喜欢一个人他的缺点都是可爱的。

If only girls can marry more than one husbandS (and NO PHYSICAL ENDORSEMENT please!)... ...

我想我太不实际了！我喜欢的那个人根本就不存在！

我对一个人有好感只是因为那一瞬间他给我的印象，接着我就会喜欢上我印象中的那个人。

或许应该维持这样，我才不会失望。

分不清现实与幻想。

如果硬要在一起，却发现印象中的人并不是现实这样的，只会让我进退两难。

幻想太多反而害了我自己。

我心里有个恐惧。

What if HE is far from my ideal?

我不想拿“他”来做比较，但是害怕和恐惧吞噬了我。

我介意朋友的目光，我过不了自己那关！

But having confided in my psychologist regarding this issue, I am feeling much better now. ^^

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 -
hearts

Monday, March 16, 2009 Y

真是气得我快喷鼻血了!

我真的搞不懂为什么她要这么做. 我想不通理由所在.

知道她自作主张,自作聪明后, 原本回家要向她对质, 但想想少一事不如多一事, 我把那口气给咽下.

谁知道今天她就问起, 我实在忍无可忍, 说话时的语气比较重, 结果闹得不欢而散.

为什么她总是那么蛮不讲理?

虽然说为什么我们不能理解父母的用心和心情, 那为什么他们又不能站在子女们的角度设想呢?

我敢担保全世界的父母应该都不会像我的这样吧.

我和她之间真的是有严重性沟通问题. 我们不能合合气气地说完一句话.

虽然我知道我不该用那种语气, 但我实在无法控制.

现在好了, 扯破了脸皮, 我想暂时是不可能会和彼此说话. 我们都是是爱面子的人, 她不会让步, 我也不可能先向她低头.

"有其母必有其女" 还真有它的道理.

塔罗牌算的还真准.

希望感情(relationships)问题不会影响了我备考的心情.

Monday, March 16, 2009 -
hearts

Wednesday, March 11, 2009 Y

I have no inspiration to blog at all!

It was supposed to be a much-awaited gathering for the lassies.

It was all planned! Look at what happened now..

Gosh I can even smell the 火药味 just chatting with twisties on msn!

I totally understand twisties feeling. I am sure everybody does too!

That's why i always shun to be the organiser.

It's the feeling of rejection that is hindering me from doing a lot of things, even opening my mouth to ask.

I don't like being rejected, as a matter of fact, i hate it.

I realised that you don't really reap what you sow; you don't really get back what you put in.

I am such a failure as a friend!

Twisties is feeling angry but i don't know what to say.

I really need some brushing up for my consolation & comforting skill. It sucks.

I am always at a loss of word when people are sad or angry.

Lately, i am short fused. I don't know why.

Just a minute thing is sufficient to trigger my temper.

I don't like this me, but i can't help it...

I haven been feeling happy. I forgot when was the last time i really laugh heartily.

Is it the fengshui or is it the I weekly tarot card reading that is affecting me?

Beware! Negative Aura beneath.

Anger-triggering issue No. 1

I am very VERY mad with my sister.

The audacity of her to steal my BRAND NEW pair of jeans and to even deny it.

My 一贯作风 is: the minute i planned what i am going to wear on that particular day, I WILL & MUST wear it, nothing is going to change my mind, no matter what, be it rain or shine.

And if i don't, i will feel BIG TIME cranky the entire day.

I told myself i am going to wear that pair of jeans and I am going to leave my house at 8am.

I end up searching high and low for it and at exactly 830am, i called my sis.

"DID YOU STEAL MY JEANS?"

"what jeans? you got see me wear jeans meh?"

At that moment, i am 101% sure she is the culprit. But i don't what i was thinking, i said bye and slammed the phone.

(the politeness of me to even say bye!)

Then i text her: you better not let me find out.

And i text bud: ...I am going to investigate.

真是祸不单行.

Prelim starts at 10am. But i was stucked at nowhere at 930am becos i took the wrong bus.

Can anyone be suay-er than me??

When i came home that evening, the first thing i did was to search my wardrobe again to make sure my eyes din play on me.

And guess what?

My jeans was hanging there as if it had never been moved, the hanger that i pretty sure i've checked it umpteen times and I would be blind if i missed it.

I took my jeans, go to my sis, threw it in her face, screaming and hurling words i forgot what.

Then i demanded $33.

Called buddy and chatted sarcastically about it.

I haven simmer down. Yet.

Anger-triggering issue No. 2

This really pissed me off.
Can anyone tell me if their mum buys fruits home, cut into wedges and then place each of them in plastic bags just like those selling outside???!!!!!

Then what? Eat and throw.

I am very irritated about this because hello??? Everybody is trying to save the earth and what the hell are you doing here??!

Alright, I am not being an extreme tree-hugger here, but everyone does a small part in helping to be green ma.

People saving money, saving electricity, and reducing.

But she's doing the exact oppposite. She ought to be ashamed of what she's doing and I'm utterly disgraced to have such family - a thief & a waster at home.

The problem is, she doesnt listen to me at all!!!

She even said: 外面还不是这样卖

I said: 你不要跟外面比可以吗。你又不是在卖水果。

I hate my mum for not listening and always thinks she's in the right.

And i don't care whether I am being rude or not. As long as I know I'm reasonable and correct, i will just shout back.

Anger-triggering issue No. 3

This doesn't really make me angry, more of making me feel useless.

Yst the group of us went to union.

I really envy those dancing on the floor! They can dance so smoothly and femininely and showcase such confidence which i don't think will ever happen on me.

I am so clumsy and useless.

People who started learning salsa at the same time as me or even those just started can dance better than myself.

OKay, if i continue this part, i will definitely slip into depression again.

Anger-triggering issue No. 4

This is an accumulation of other small little things which irritates me, making me lose my cool.

Ping, so who is the one who is easily irritated?

haha.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009 -
hearts

Sunday, March 8, 2009 Y

我发现U 周刊的心理测验非常准确。

因为做了两期的心理测验，我的看法是："怎么那么准啊!"

这期的题目是测试我的被暗恋机率有多少.

问题大概是问, 我会在咖啡厅点什么饮料喝. 而我的选择是橙汁.

被暗恋机率有70%, 糟糕的事, 暗恋我的人并不是那么想让我知道!

嗨! 有够惨的吧! 这也解释了为什么我至今还是孤家寡人. 哈哈, 太夸张了. 其实我蛮享受自由啦!

***

我终于想到了自己的做人原则了!

一个人可以有好几个原则, 但是我这一个就足以打翻他人所有的原则.

我的原则是: 只要我坚持我想要的, 不管其他人的原则是什么, 我都要让他们拿我没辙,然后最终妥协.

哈哈!

***

到底要怎样才能让笑容自然又漂亮??

因为最近接了份新工作, 工作的要求是-笑

要笑得自然, 笑得开心, 更重要笑得漂亮, 对我来说简直难如登天啊!

怎么没人告诉我, 原来我不笑看起来很忧愁?

糟了, 要是不赶紧练笑, 恐怕我迟早会被踢出局!

都说我是个愁(丑)女了!

***

看了成果后, 原本low self esteem的我现在对自己更加没信心了!

老天打造人的时候是不是忽略了我!? ='(

Sunday, March 08, 2009 -
hearts

Thursday, February 19, 2009 Y

Yesterday i did yet another good deed by agreeing to watch a movie with Ricky. Actually my MAIN motive was to get back my notes which he had hogged for more than 2 weeks. Going out with him is purely 顺便.

Disclaimer: In the first place, i DID NOT EVEN WANT to lend it to him. I lied about my friend had borrowed them blah blah. After that I felt guilty, so..... Haiz, I am such a letdown right!?

My conscience always make me do things against my own will!

We went to grab some bite after the show. Actually he did, i only ordered drink. And i saw something HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!

I was disgusted at the sight of it and i almost puke. Behind my face was a mixture of strong feelings, yet i had to pretend normal in front - a super fake smile pasted on a what?-i-din-see-anything face.

Can you imagine, a person who is sitting right in front of you has no idea at all he has muscus hanging in his nostrils????????????

Argh! just typing this out makes me shudder with disgust.

I couldn't stand looking at him for another minute, another milisecond. My eyes were darting everywhere else but there.

I told this to Sandy and Angie. And guess what their reaction is?? They are on his sides! I can't believe it!

It's 2 against 1 now.

I've to tell this to sueann. I 101% sure she will be on my side.

I'm Oh My God! head over heel infatuated with him!!!!! Since day 1 I've been noticing him. Whenever I go to class, i would be looking for him to see if he's there. And every now and then I would steal glances at him.

I can describe this feeling using an econs model. The feeling for him increases gradually at the beginning and slowly accelerating, now running at full speed, in fact lightning speed, showing no sign of stopping.

He's someone from my icp lecture, he's knowledgeable & smart, his voice is sexy, he's partly the reason I look forward to tuesday, he's rubin.

Now there are only 2 lessons (Next tues & Fri) left. I know I just had to do something. But, what?

Someone just had to crash my dream. Jeremy texted me saying that our lecturer had asked their class to join us next Fri. This is 晴天霹雳 news to me!

Why does this has to happen to me??? The last thing i want is to be in the same class with him, sitting together, breathing the same air! And He said I have to play host.
What the.... Urgh!

Luckily something I did lifted my mood! I found rubin on facebook! The question now is whether to add him or not. I don't want to risk him not accepting me. So adding him or not will have to wait till next tues.

I think I am man-craze. haha. Ping don laugh. Now you know who i am taking about le ba. Not much of an excitement actually. hehe.

Thursday, February 19, 2009 -
hearts

Tuesday, February 17, 2009 Y

On the night of Vday, i dreamt of Sandy and Shang singing karaoke at some place (like kbox/ partyworld)

I told Sandy about it the next day. And she told me they really went to sing at partyworld on Vday! She "haha" and said "it's amazing".

This really gives me the creep especially on top of the eye-twitchin premonition for relief teaching thrice, it's quite scary to picture me as the prophet. Wow.

I am so hard up now that i am tightening my belt and trying to control my out-of-control-(isn't it ironic?)-splurging-on-clothes disorder.

Not only that, I am also trying to take up as much (as if there are a lot) reliefing teaching as possible, actually i should rephrase, I am trying NOT to reject as much relief teaching as possible.

It's so hard to have the best of both worlds!!!! In this case, money & study. I wish to earn money but at the same, i do not wish to jeopardise my studies, especially now that exams are nearing. However, given my current school timetable, I'm always caught up in a dilemma!

Argh vexed! I curse whoever invented money because you make my life so miserable!

I just realised that jobs I had taken up vary from a wide range - Admin, Recep, Teaching, Modelling. They are not at all of the same industry! Usually this isn't the case for other people ba? Like if you are a cook, you are forever a cook. Well, unless you decide a change.

For me, in just a few years, i've tried jobs totally of different nature. Sounds cool. But i suppose it wont look good on my resume.

So, on Vday, Cupid has successfully brought together 2 persons.

My future is bleak! I can't picture myself with another person! I only see myself!

I can't imagine myself holding his hands, texting & speaking sweet nothings to him, caring for him, comfort him, satisify him, touching him, talking on the phone with him, going out with him, laying my head on his shoulder, patient with him...

I am better off being alone.

Yes. I can see myself working in the society, after one yr of working my butt off, pursue my Masters (hopefully). Yes. I can see myself doing part time as TaiTai at the same time I can choose to work full time or part time. I really find small kids adorable so i might still be reliefing.

I am better off being single.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009 -
hearts

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 Y

Happie Birthdae to me~!

I can't remember how many birthdays I've celebrated but this year's i enjoyed the most. It was heartwarming!

Because presents i received are something i wished for and most importantly, i realised my friends are all 无价之宝. hehe You know who!

I had a Queen of Hearts birthday cake, a birthday pizza & a hello kitty birthday agar agar.

On 7/2/2009:

My Birthday Pizza

She treated me to pizza & we ordered this cheese lava super hawaiian pizza, large enough for the 2 of us but still more than enough, sweeet & spicy drumlets and fried prawns.

I love pizzas! It seems I always only go pizza hut with her.

On 8/2/2009:

Hello Kitty Birthday Agar Agar

That's right. It's hello kitty!

Simply too cute to be eaten.

For those who have never eaten agar agar in their whole life before or no special likings for agar agar (like me), you should try this and you'll love it! It's the bestest agar agar I've ever eaten.

On 11/2/2009 (the actual day):

Kylie & I went to sing. Yes. Just the 2 of us, singing from 230 to 7pm.

I would've prefered to celebrate the day with my friends but it fell on a weekday so it would be hard to arrange for all to meet.

There was this Kbox birthday treat which includes a bithday cake, 2 glasses of drink per pax and 20% off the total bill. But we never got to eat the cake. I told the stuff to take the cake in at 6pm but for some reason, the cake never appears.

So, Kylie bought me the Queen of Hearts cake to bring home. Without a cake, it just would not be birthday anymore.

The presents had been sitting in a corner since 8th feb and i had so much trouble curbing myself from opening them before the actual day.

Ping, as i was saying about the big kiss,

See this hershey kiss is larger than my mouse! I told angie eating it would be like eating ba zang (rice dumpling). Can't bring myself to eat this fuji mountain cos it's just too cute and I am imagining myself eating from the tip and gnawing it all the way down to the bottom.

A chocolate cake that jumped out from the tile!

My cousin bought this mag for me because she said I look like her. She's not the first to say so! Angie said my eyes look like her; big rabbit said i resemble her; previous previous supervisor said i speak like her. Can I choose to look like Jesseca Liu?? I like her more.

Now there's a reason to stock up more books!

Bird nest bird nest i luv you!

Other pressies I got include Clothes, soft toy (the last thing i want, thank god my friends know me well enough), ornament, bedsheets, cards, candies, mani & pedi, red packet & meals!

On 12/2/2009:

Initially Kylie and I planned to have our lunch before our mani/pedi session. But, Innova Primary called me to relief! I think I have the ability to predict (To be elaborated). So the lunch was cancelled. Right after I rushed home, showered, make up & rushed out again. I was practically doing everything at lightning speed.

Very satisfied with my french mani but boo hoo for the pedi! It's lovely! BUT, i ruined it while dancing. I had no choice but to wear covered shoes ma! So, i only owned the beautiful toes for like less than 3 hours. =(

O yes, the mani/pedi was a birthday gift from kylie =)

I feel so fortunate! ^^

I was saying I have the ability to predict. I noticed that whenever my eyes twitched vigorously, I would be called to relief the next day. No joke!!!

Up to date, I've reliefed 3 times and 3 times my left lid twitched the day before. I am a prophet!

Who wants numbers?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 -
hearts