~ Silver lOst in Paradise ~

Friday, January 30, 2009 Y

我真是槌心肝啊！

I already planned that today i will go facial, so i hope no schools will call me early morning. And guess what!? No school called me. BUT a school ringed me in the middle of my facial session! Alright, i never thought there is an afternoon session. I totally forgot! There goes my extra allowance!

And then in the afternoon, another school called! They asked if i can relief next mon, tues and wed but i can't!!! i got lessons. I rejected. After about 10 minutes of struggling, i decided it should be ok to miss a lesson. So i called back hoping the space is still open. But NO!! *sob*

Kiss goodbye to money 2 times in a day. 心好痛哦！

I am not worried about the money. What i am worried is this, is that, if i reject them once, they are not going to consider me anymore... *sob sob*

And i am very irritated! 2 days of calling them, not one answered their phones. In this case, what's the purpose of having friends and owning handphone then when it's so difficult to reach them.

Maybe i am detestable.

Friday, January 30, 2009 -
hearts

Thursday, January 29, 2009 Y

Save my back, my voice, my skin and...my toes!

Good grief! I actually survived today! Kudos to me!

oh well, I should have see this coming since i opt to relief teach in a primary school!

Trust me to have thought that teaching younger children will be easy-peasy.

They are a bunch of monsters, forcing me to unleash the "other" side of me. haha

But i still enjoyed! At least this is something totally different from what i always do.

Today i broke my record of getting ready in 1hr 15 min. Guess how long it took me to wash up and put on some light makeup, not forgetting deciding on what to wear and pack the cert& bag, today? A shocking 30 min!! Even i was surprised with myself! Alright, i cheated, i din shower cos i bathed the night before.

And so i received this phonecall from Innova primary school early morning 730am(!), telling me to reach before 830am and so i told her i can reach at 815 when I dont even know where the school is located. This is what they call "dig my own grave".

I only have these words to descibe the class i was assigned to "they are like normal tech student but at primary school level". Period.

I was quite surprised that i was asked to relief when i only called to register in school on wednesday. But the day before i already had this feeling i might be so "lucky" and my left eye waS twitching so hard, so i din off my phone.

Anyway, now i understand why most teachers look haggard.

I must not have been in my right mind when i told Laura about it. Me and my big mouth. But it's just so hard to control myself!

Now i feel so guilty towards... i am a bad person!!! How can i toy around like that!? o well...

Thursday, January 29, 2009 -
hearts

Monday, January 19, 2009 Y

Why is it that the person who always make me laugh will be the one who will also make me cry!?

I hate my dad for being so bias and prejudiced!

What's wrong with studying at a private U? I don't understand.

Many of my uni frens, including wy, are not happy coming to SIM and had wish they can go local U. She said unable to study at govt U is one of her 人生挫折.

Hello~?? 人生挫折? Too dramatic.

To me, it's not disgraceful at all. I am glad I'm still able to pursue my studies until this level (and yes, i am going further) when some other children are not as fortunate.

And, I don't find it a disgrace studying in SIM. In fact, I am happy okay.

If studying in local U is much better or even HIGH CLASS than pte U, then why did my 2 cousins gave up NUS after awhile and decided to go Australia to study?

If studying in local U is so 了不起, then why did my cousin still drawing a take-home pay of less than $2500 and sometimes, she has to face the fate of being unemployed for months??

AND, if even studying until university level is good, then why can sandy draw a salary as high as $300o when she only finished poly???

It's so unfair that people (like those conventional and closed-minded parents like mine) still think that 读大学好，读政府大学更好.

Bullshit.

YUp, studyin U is good because it's a way to increase knowledge, make new friends and a stepping stone. But it shouldn't be used to differentiate students, LIKE WHAT MY DAD JUST DID! Moreover, who is he to speak when he did not even contribute anything to my studies!

It just still hurts when i heard such comments, even after 3 years.

and I'm not going to speak to him for the time being.

p/s: I am just giving vent to my grievances, no hard feelings to my friends studying in NTU and NUS. hee =)

Monday, January 19, 2009 -
hearts

Sunday, January 18, 2009 Y

I am very angry with myself! Very. And irrationally.

Who will stupidly use her eye & lip makeup remover as toner and apply it on her face?

Well that person is me!

I am so cautious in everything related to my face yet i made this stupid-enough mistake. I can't forgive myself.

Lesson learnt: Stay focus on doing one thing and not be distracted.

Why do i say so, is because my dad was making funny actions and i was laughing so hard i absent-mindedly took this bottle which i thought IS my toner!

What's done cannot be undone so what i can do now is to save the situation which explains why i am doing mask now (I don't mean i seldom do mask apparently i do so every alternate days) In fact i even thought of going facial ( i know, very exaggerated).

***
I am beginning to have doubt.

Have i been reading too much into it?

Sunday, January 18, 2009 -
hearts

Thursday, January 15, 2009 Y

The longest entry of the month

I've read from somewhere (some magazines) that women are better at multi-tasking than men, which is what i am doing right now - Reading cleo, blogging, playing games on facebook, online shopping AND chatting with a friend - and i think i am pretty good at it. haha

I thought our dance instructor was going to be Eddy but it was Gary. To my surprise, Gary actually remembers me, when he only taught me one lesson which was really a very long long time ago, and he said i changed my hairstyle. Okay, that shows that i'm not so plain Jane such that nobody takes notice of me.

I was hoping to see familiar faces but they were mostly new faces, which makes me panic because that means i have to get myself used to new people all over again. Not easy for me! I am socially retarded - not what angie said i am, a social butterfly. haha

I was half hoping R will not come to dance today because that would make me feel very awkward, especially if we are partnering up. He did turn up today though but only at the last 30 min before the class ends and i disappear right after i paid the fees.

Omg! I am happy and excited! Guess what!? When i was dancing with Gary, he said:"Good!" to me! I feel flattered, high, elated, on cloud 9 and actually abit proud of myself! keke! I can't even remember when was the last time i was praised by someone. I like being praised! A boost to my morale! =)

Thers's no dance next week! Haiz! I only look forward to dancing now. Just as ping is obsessed with short hair, i am obsessed with dancing. And i bet there also wont be any lesson the week after next due to chinese new year.

***

I am caught in a web of LIES I weaved myself and i don't know how to clear the mess because before i can even figure out how to get out of it, more lies will be weaved. I just seem to have the flair in telling lies, it comes out naturally.

R texted me just now to ask if i want to study together, my reply was:" my frens & i already form a study group with all our free time".

In fact, i din wan to study with him because i know we wont be productive.

Excuses & lies i ever came up with:

"I am sick"; "my frens say twilight is not nice"; "I am gg out with my frens till late at night"; "we decided to go to a fren's house"; "I am working the whole week"; "I bought all my clothes already"; "my fren's gg home with me"; "i got makeup lesson". Etc.

While typing this blog, i'm also telling a lie at the same time, to the person i am chatting with, R.

The truth behind:

I am perfectly healthy & kicking; in fact only 1 out of 5 frens says twilight is not nice; I stayed at home the whole day; hanging out with a fren; I am actually Not working at all; i still need to get more cny stuffs; in fact i went home alone; i don't have any makeup lesson.

The conclusion: I just don't want to go out with you. Simple.

I don't want to be mean or deliberately avoiding, i don't hate/detest/ dislike you, but...(indescribable)

Is he just thick in the head or my lies are too subtle that he doesn't get my hint? Or is he just pretending?

***
There's one more lie i told my parents. I din really LIE, just that i did not say it explicitly or clearly or tell them straight in the face or whatever you call it. Just NOT lying cos i don feel good lying to them.

***
My newly thought-up beauty-regime:

1. A mug of water every morning
2. An orange or more daily (for health purpose as well)
3. A mask every night/ alternate nights
4. 川贝枇杷膏 before sleep

I decided that since I always succumb to skin-unfriendly food like chocolates, fries, spicy food (despite umpteen promises to myself that i will not touch them anymore) I shall do a couter-attack to balance lo!

I work really hard to take care of you. So skin, do not disappoint me!

***

One of my 21st bday wish and also 2008 wish was to get myself hitched before my 22nd bday. But looking at it, i doubt it's going to come true. On second thots, it's not a bad thing afterall.

Before 3rd school year begins, i told sharon:" Ron, we are going to get a boyfriend in yr3." Because i thought, if we can't even find one during school days, do you tHink the chances will be higher in the working society or wherever we work?? Apparently not, perhaps even harder ba???

I see lovey-dovey couples on trains, in schools, anywhere, and some friends around me who are attached. I am going to be brutally honest, but i teeny bit (maybe a bit more) wish I am like one of them.

Then again, when i imagine myself with a boyfriend, i don't really like it! Especially when i encouter the R- & J-incidents, i am actually put off! After much analysing, i think i'm overly comfortable being alone, someone else would have to be an intrusion!

So, the feelings of wanting to be attached, should be because i never had the experience before and i just want to have a taste of it. haha!! And so, one of Aquarius traits marrying at a much later age is true afterall!!!

***

I sucks at consoling people! Yesterday a fellow called me and told me that he had put his dog to sleep. It's sad but the thing is i don't know what to say! In the first place, we are not that close, and then i was like so idiotic and silly. Oh well!

***

I've been getting this hunger pangs of late and i couldn't stop eating. It's like i am never full even if i just polish off my meal. For eg, i ate a stick of bueno right after dinner the other day. I guess i am already full but i just feel like having chocolate. Cravings. I can't really do much to stop cravings, i always indulge myself.

Imagine i control my cravings, i will think about it on the way home, at home while watching tv and this thot just wont leave my mind I just have to eat it tomorrow. And if i still manage to control the next day, i'll think about it all day long and the next few days UNTIL i finally can't stand it Aiya buy la. Then regret after eating.

So the worry now is my weight! my figure! My stomach is showing! Gowd, i dunno what to do with it. The only consolation: The needle of the weighing scale never points more than 50kg. Phew.

Thursday, January 15, 2009 -
hearts

Wednesday, January 7, 2009 Y

At this point of time, i'm not sure if i'm lucky.

My life has turned topsy turvy.

I mean, really TOPSY TURVY! Upside down. Not in a bad way though, which i should feel thankful for.

i) Was planning for a birthday party, but called off in the end. I wasnt sad or disappointed as i thought i would be.

ii) Got myself mentally prepared ( & even ironed clothes half of my closet) to go back to reds, and she told me only the day before that i don't have to go back to reds. Michelle din inform me, so i am like hanging there, not sure whether to go or not tmr, but decided not to go & see if she calls me.

iii) There was supposed to be a test today, but lecturer postponed until next week.

So am i considered lucky? Because i never wanted to go back to reds again and I did not prepare the test (I was actually secretly wishing teacher would forget or postpone the test)

I should say I am.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 -
hearts

Thursday, January 1, 2009 Y

01012009 Thursday

Happy New Year!

I do not dare to have any 2009 resolutions! Because i know i wont be able to fulfil them. Sorry la, I'm just not one with determination!

Nevertheless, i will try to make my dreamS come true this year. Okie, take away the try to. Because the first dream i just made it happening is my 22nd birthday party!

Woohoo!

Although it's not going to be as exorbitant as 21st, i guarantee it 100 times more fun and entertaining (i hope)!

I am looking forward to it (eat), dearie I am overwhelmed with excitedness!

I just hope everything will go well and my dance partner doesnt go missing!

As i was saying, Happy New Year!

I am happy today. Well, strictly speaking, not that happy after all. Actually happy and not happy la.

You are probably wondering why I can be happy and unhappy at the same time.

As YOU know, i went singing with sandy and annie, to satisfy my craving to sing. After that, we went to have our dinner and chatted & catching-up for hours. So i am happy. Oh, and not forgetting about my upcoming birthday party which is officially 1 mth 6 days away~

What i am unhappy is that, my brain is stuffed with worries! Yes! Worries! Worries about starting work at reds, about working 5 days straight, about prelims, about ppl who might not be able to turn up, about entertainment not able to carry out successfully...

Then, then my first dream of the year will be crushed!!!

*holding my head, squatting on both knees, crying to god*

No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont want a bad start!

*tearing my hair off*

Optimistic! Optimistic! Optimistic! Optimistic! Optimistic! Optimistic! Optimistic!

WELL!! The good thing is....my year can only get better!

*Self consoling & Forcing a smile*

Thursday, January 01, 2009 -
hearts